insert foot

Over the years one of my responsiblities at the office has kept me in fairly constant contact withour 250+ person national sales force.  Most of that contact is via the phone and email.  Now and then, I work an event or attend a meeting and interact with them live and in person.  Now, if you've ever worked with salesmen, you know that most of them possess that certain strand of DNA which compels them to try to charm their way into your good graces.  Even if they don't need anything from you at this moment in time, the day will come when they will need something from you, so the groundwork never stops being laid.  I call them the "charming schemers."

Years back, I had one salesperson* that, whenever he had to mail me something, (usually every 3-4 months), he'd slip in a dollar bill with a note that said, "Your bagel's on me!"   Which, I'll admit - out of the 200+ sales force -  I knew that guy's name, phone and might actually go above and beyond my usual herculean efforts (yeah.  I said it.) to help a brotha out.  Yes.  The 20-something version of me could be bought...and my going rate was the cost of a bagel.  I'm not ashamed.  I love carbs.

Most of them though, try to get by on their charm and sweet-talking abilities alone.  "How are you?!!  How are things in Chicago?  How is [insert one personal peice of information they've stored on me and ask me the same irrelevant question over and over for years and years.]?   Still, while I'm rarely swayed by said charm, I do prefer it to the small percentage of the other kind of sales person.  The "irate shitwagons."

Those are the guys (and they are always men) that call you up, all business at first, and within two minutes are either screaming at you or screaming and threatening that they'll lose the customer/business if you don't cut the fucking red wire in five seconds!  No. WAIT. The BLUE wire!  Goddammit!  CUT THE WIRE!!!

One thing I've learned is that no matter which umbrella they fall under, it's good to keep all the sales folk at arm's length.  I'm here to make their work as smooth, seamless and productive as possible, but I'm also not a doormat nor their personal assistant.  Basically, I keep my cool (at least until I'm off the phone) and try to put the fire out as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Last week, I completely blew my granite facade.  One of the newer salesmen was at the office - I've worked a couple events with him.  He's one of those guys who always greets folks with a hug (file under friendly and not creepy.) Which is fine.  Hugging doesn't scare me...although, at our office, it's a little odd.  But, whatever.  Anyway, it was near the end of the day, I was walking around another dept, trying to get a signature that I needed a week ago and trying to deal with a situation that was about to blow into 3-alarm fire.  I turned the corner and ran smack into Sales Guy. 

- Heeeeeeeeeey.

- Hey.  How are you?  (looking around, trying to suss out which cubicle is the one I'm searching for)

- How ya been?  (arms extended walking toward me)

- Good.  Busy.  Same old.  (sighs and goes in for the quick hug)

- Good to see you!  (while hugging)

- Yeah.  You too.  (hug complete.)   Man.  You smell good.   (beat)  Uh, see ya.  (walks away with purpose.)

I have to say, I've been at this job for a loooong time.  I've said plenty of quasi-inappropriate things.  And while I didn't mean for that comment to come off as inappropriate (the dude smelled amazingly good), I was just giving my honest reaction.  He smelled good.  I didn't say it in any kind of creepy way (I don't think), but a day or so later, it occurs to me that, really, telling someone that you have a working relationship with that they smell good is automatically Creepy.  No two ways about it.

So, I've officially become that guy at the office.  The creepy guy.  Who tells you when you smell good. 

Sigh.  Just don't let me become the guy who makes...horrible puns.  I would have to eat a .357, if that happened.  Dude.  I can live with being creepy.  I can't live with...puns. 

The horror.

*This salesperson was promoted some years ago...he doesn't send me bagel money anymore. Still, I appreciate the former effort.